So.....we good?

It's been a minute since we've seen each other. We're those kind of friends though, right? I mean, right? Like, we're good. Yeah? No, I mean, yeah, we're good. We are gooooooood. 

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SPEAKER_01 0:35

Hi guys. Um, it's been a while. Uh you're listening to Human Babarely, the podcast for when your therapist's out of office. I'm your host, the voice behind Human Babarely, Kate. I want to say new episodes drop every Friday, but that ain't that ain't necessarily the case. Um It's been a minute, you know. Um, I don't even know if I know what I'm doing anymore. I yeah. You know, this podcast was made for me, basically, because I was spiraling into chaos and I needed a friend to cry with. And I wanted to be the friend that you would cry with, you know? Um and then my life sort of imploded and I kept telling myself, I'd get back to it, I'll get back to it, I'll get back to it. And then I did and I recorded some episodes that I have not posted, but they're in the can, as they say. And I just felt so sick about posting them. Well, one, I couldn't even listen to them back. And two, I felt so sick about posting them because I I don't know what I have to say, and I was bored with what I was saying. You know, I've been thinking about this a lot lately. I've been spending a lot, a lot more time on social media than I normally do. Um, I was off social media for years and years and years. And one of the things I did to sort of promote this podcast was I made a social media page. I made Instagram. That was all I did. And through that, it's been my kind of conduit for getting back onto social media. And I find myself really depressed by what's been on the internet lately. Um there are moments of pure joy when I'm on the internet, and I'm so happy that the internet exists because it creates this community, and I feel like, God, this is the stuff I want to be seeing. This is the stuff that makes me happy. And lately, I think because I've been in a little bit of a darker place, the content I've been kind of what the algorithm has been giving me has been so depressing. I'm not a thin person. Um, I never really have been, but I definitely w was a thinner person, and I can tell you I wasn't happy thinner, but I think I was more socially accepted as a thinner person, right? And that's one thing that you see a lot on the internet now of just like how fat phobic the world is, right? And and I say fat like that implies uh people who are like morbidly obese, and that's all we're talking about. And and that's not, I mean, it's kind of a misnomer, really, because apparently we hate any woman who's essentially weighs more than like a hundred pounds. Like the idea that women be strong in their bodies and however they're defining that, or have the ability to not be blown over by the wind. And look, this is not to shame people who are thin, like that's that's not what I'm but and and I'm not saying that people who are thin don't get their share of hate online either, but I would have to say just unequivocally, unequivocally, is that is that right? Um, without any sort of um judgment of the fact of the matter is we hate fat women, and we all know that men don't get the same treatment. We hate fat men too, don't get me wrong, but we also have loving terms for you know men whose bodies we think are a little bit uh outside the norm of what we determine is masculine and and but oh here here's how you can fit into a different mold, that's okay. Women don't have that, right? You're over a certain weight, you're just disgusting. And I guess you need to die. I mean, I don't I don't I don't really know what the I mean and this is kind of the problem, right? Like it's not a thought throughout thing, it's just we hate these people who are live in these bodies, and we just hate you. And so what are we supposed to do with that, right? Because those people deserve to live. I mean, unless you think just being a little bit overweight or even overly, overly weight is a recipe for death, you know. Like, what are we supposed to do with those people? They're just supposed to live in the world knowing people hate them, right? Like that's just that's just it. And that hopefully this collective hate and shame will motivate them to lose weight. So, like, the masses on the internet that hate you because of your body is gonna be the thing that motivates you to lose weight, right? That's that's what we're thinking. This is kind of the hive mind here that if we just kind of collectively spew enough disgusting content about women's bodies that women will just fall in line. I I think that's I think that's the idea here. And um, you know, that might bother you that I'm talking about this. I I don't even care because this is kind of the point that I'm coming around to of we still live in a day and age in this country and maybe the world over, but I can't, I can only speak for my lived experience, right? Which is as a woman, as a fat woman in America, um, you know, the idea that women are still meant to be docile and in their place, and we're not supposed to have opinions and ideas and fight back, and we're not supposed to be strong in whatever kind of way that looks, maybe physically, mentally, whatever. We're not supposed to, I mean, and don't even get me started about differently abled people, right? I saw a clip recently of a uh disability activist, and and she said non-disabled yet. You know, she is this kind of caveat because one in four people at some point in their life, I think this is the statistic, and I'm sorry for not fact-checking this, especially in a world where we live in so much min inf misinformation. I I'm using it more as a general statistic, so give me a little grace here. But I think it was something like one in four people in their lifetime will at some point become disabled, whether permanently or non-permanently, right? And I think we all probably know somebody who went through something where they needed potentially to use crutches or they were in a wheelchair for a period of time, or they needed some sort of accessibility device or mobility device to help them get around. And we see how difficult it is to live in the world, how inaccessible the world is. And I find intersectionality there because I am not somebody who is yet disabled in it, but I can see how inaccessible the world is. I see that as a woman, I and I see how inhospitable the world is towards women. I mean, I can't imagine if you're a woman who has any of these differences, right? You have a disability, or you're a person of color, or you're a trans woman, or I mean, even a mother, I mean, I could go on and on and on about how the landscape of America is so difficult to maneuver. If you're a woman in any sort of intersectionality, in any sort of that part of that intersectionality of what we have decided is different, right? Women need to be like white, thin women who are just having babies, but not too many babies, because then like ew, uh, then you're weird, right? Then you're like, I don't know, like a sister wife or something. I don't know. Then you're classified as a completely different thing. You have to be virginal, but also kind of slutty because uh who wants you if you're like, you know, you know, in a burqa, like ew, how god forbid, we we just, you know, shit on modesty. Um, and I know that's more complicated than if you were a burqa. I'm not trying to, I guess I just mean we look at women who through a religious lens are dressed modestly, or maybe even like Hasidic Jews, right? Or the Ahmed. I mean, we can look to a lot of more um regimented, I'm gonna use that word because I think that is a fair word to use, but you may disagree with me, and then I I I would welcome that discourse. Um, these religious sex or women do dress more conservatively, and we have renegated them to a completely different group of of desire, like you, those women are you, right? But then if you're dressed too slutty, also like if you're openly sexual and you enjoy your sexual pleasure, that's also gross, right? I mean, I I know I'm preaching to the choir to some of you. I mean, I know you're out not out here like totally unaware to what I'm talking about. But it's just been, I've seen it so much on the internet lately, and it's just there's part of me that is grateful to be reminded what second-class citizens we are in this country as women. And again, I don't want to just sort of be like, this isn't only a white woman issue. I mean, I recognize that you have different issues and struggles if you're a person of color, if you're differently abled, if you're LGBTQIA plus, like, but I again I and maybe this is too kumbaya, like that of course a white woman would be like, well, we all have our struggles, but we do, but we do as women, right? And we have to recognize that there is a universal umbrella that we fall under as women, and we have to fight for all facets of that. But no matter what, I still think women, period, second-class citizen in this country. I mean, we can't even get a female president, we'd rather have Donald Trump twice. Do you guys realize? Like somebody said this to me the other day, and I was like, God, I did not even put two and two together, and I don't know why. And I partly think it's because we just our erasure as women in this country is just like we readily accepted, like, okay, not gonna happen for us. The two times women ran as president in this country, Hillary, well, we have a third candidate who was not running for Donald Trump against Donald Trump, and she also didn't win. But in in in our more recent in the last 10-15 years, okay, let's let's solidify history that way. The last two women who ran for president both ran up against Donald Trump, and the world said, the country said, white men said, and and I say white men, like they're the only ones to blame, white women. There were, and not just white people, you know, it turned out after the election, like all these strange facets of people of color voted for Trump. Like, okay, you do you, explain that shit to me, but make it make sense, right? But all these people had rather have Donald Trump as president than Hillary Clinton or Kamal Harris. And I don't care. I don't care at the time why you didn't support them. It was all bullshit. It was all bullshit. It was just because they were women, right? Because you're telling me, you're telling me both times, you'd rather have Donald Trump than a normal human. Except that human happens to be a woman. I mean, just think about that. We rather have Donald Trump than a female president, a completely and totally qualified woman who could have potentially done amazing things for this country and really pushed us forward. No, we rather have Donald Trump. Okay. So don't tell me women are equal in this country. Don't tell me women don't have a right to complain. Don't, I mean, I am so sick too of like, you know, skinny talk, I guess, is taking over again, right? We're back in the skinny era where, you know, Heidi Klum comes out of whatever hole she's under, looking like a normal person, and whole internet's like, ugh, I'll go. And it's like, fuck, man. There's we we can't, we can't win. I mean, and I know there's a million people in this country, more than a million, obviously, who don't care, who honestly, genuinely don't give a fuck, and who are like, no, man, I'm just looking for a partner who's kind and considerate and you know, whatever your thing is, right? And I don't give a shit how she looks. I mean, I know there's a bunch of people like that, right? But we cannot dismiss the fact that we live in a culture that for everybody makes it really difficult to be of a certain body type, right? And like essentially you should just live with this constant shame. And I just think, yes, there are more pressing issues. And and for me, it's not even like that we fat shame people. Like that's an issue, but it's indicative of a larger problem, ultimately, right? There's how we treat women in this country. Yes, that's that's a huge and important problem. But m but if we, you know, look at it as sort of a pyramid and we can divide sort of all these issues as sort of um uh spread out on the bottom of the pyramid, the top of the top of the pyramid, the big issue at the top of the pyramid is in this country, how do we treat people who are different? And unfortunately, we always have to look through the lens of white men. So it's how do we treat people who are different than white men? Even though who the fuck gives a shit about white men anymore? I mean, seriously, their time has come and gone. Like we have seen what you can do, and we are disappointed. We are disgusted. It is time for you to step aside. I mean, these men, and not that there aren't women who have power who won't relinquish it, but I think when we're looking at the top wealthiest five people in this country, who are we looking at? These men who just will not relinquish their power, who will not step down, who will not accommodate people who are not them, right? I mean we have this trail system being built around my house. I mean, it's I have to drive a little ways to it, but it was passed through a bond referendum. It was probably like a, I don't know, millions of dollars bond referendum to put to the park system to create greenways, free trail system for everybody to use. Now, you obviously it most benefit people who live in the county, but anybody in the state you're coming to visit, there's this lovely greenway that you can use that they're trying to extend to create miles and miles of trail. And it's being built, there's a section of it being built, and I kind of like to be uh an explorer, so I'm walking on it, and of course, there are Latinx guys working on it, right? These can this construction crews made up of mostly brown guys, right? And of course, the people leading the crews are all white men, but that's a different issue for right now. But these guys who are I cannot imagine, I cannot even possibly fathom what they're feeling to live in this country right now. All of this country, right? But but I I can't imagine what the inner landscape of their life looks like. But they're out here building these trail systems for I mean, these trails are in mostly white neighborhoods, and again, they're for everyone to use, and I really pray to God everybody uses them because they are for everyone. They are a lot of the access points are at public parks, which you know, God bless America for public parks. I mean, they're one of my all-time favorite things, and I really want people to utilize public parks as much as they possibly can. They are for you. Um, but so these guys are working on these trails. I can't imagine what they're going through, but they're doing this thing for us, right? Probably, let's just statistically speaking, this is not true for everyone. I completely understand. Probably also if you're working for anyways, I'm I'm not gonna get into the specifics, but paying in you know, we're benefiting from a system I I'm i it it's just I it it hurts me to live in a country right now where politically and policy-wise we couldn't be further from what I believe truly my heart of heart that the American people want for this country. Women are being cast aside, people of color are being cast aside, people with disabilities are being cast aside, people of the LGQ I A plus community are being cast aside. And I feel a lot of pain for for being an American right now. Not because people aren't I mean, people are resisting and they're doing what they can, and I see over and over again ways in which communities are stepping up and it's incr so beautiful and and there's that part of all of this that makes me so proud to be an American. So proud to see what we're doing and how we're standing up for our communities and our fellow citizens. But also it simultaneously makes me so sad because we are also the people who got us here, right? And I know some people are gonna be like, well, I didn't vote for these. It doesn't matter. We are part of the problem, regardless of how we got here, whether it's our apathy towards our fourth estate slowly slipping into not needing a rigorous fact-based system. Now, opinion is how we determine what is news, or that we've failed our public education systems by not funding them, by not putting the same emphasis on rigor that we demand from you know, first to high school that we would on Ivy League schools. I mean, the fact that we have let capitalism erode everything that makes this country great and wonderful and beautiful and has become the only cornerstone of what it means to be American. How much you make, how much you spend, all the stuff that you have that is not what makes a person. That is not what defines the human experience. The human experience is being alive, feeling feeling connected to others, being part of a grand scheme that is beyond us. Right in the course of the world, in the history of the universe, we are but small, small, small little moments. And while that feels sometimes deflating, there's also something beautiful about that because it reminds us to take this life quite seriously, but also not so seriously, and to have more fun and joy and whimsy, and to not focus all of our time in in in slaving away at a job that is literally paying somebody else's. That's my dog. She's she's hungry for lunch.

SPEAKER_02 21:50

I might have to take a pause to feed her because she will not stop until she is fed. And I um have my office door open. Um I think she'll just keep going. But I I think that's I think that's I'm quite happy for that actually because I think that's life, right?

SPEAKER_01 22:12

You're falling. Oh no, she's come the stairs just looking for me. She's gonna be even louder now. But um you go through life and you feel so happy, and then something happens and it pops you back up to the surface, and you think, uh, this is what it means to be alive. We love one another, we love our pets, we love ourselves, we love nature, we break bread with our neighbors, we spend time in the forests, in the with the trees, with the grass, looking at the sky. We look inward into ourselves to understand ourselves better. I mean, those are the things that I think are what define us as people. How are we as individuals experiencing the world and how exciting that is regardless of how shitty it is, because it's so shitty for so many people right now. But how interesting is that experience, and that is not please, please believe me when I say that is not to minimize pain or people's the devastation that is occurring in people's lives. Absolutely not. But but I I say that more as uh the devastation and destruction of human life, I think is a thing that we have historically always done to ourselves. And that's part of the human experience. I mean, think about history, think about what you've learned in your textbooks. I mean we've for thousands of years the world over. I mean, you could look at many, many, many different cultures. We have not been kind to one another. We have not, we do not always care for each other, we do not always live in community. Yet we keep going, we keep trying, we keep practicing it again and again, right? How can we do this better? How can we have a better community? And I really hope the thing that comes out of all that stuff that's happening now is we have a stronger, better sense of what it means to have community, that we we have a stronger sense of what we want the world to look like. And this is not it. Our treatment of others right now in this country, in the world, it ain't it. It ain't it. This is not how you treat other people. And I will die on this hill. You can always be kinder, you can always be kinder, and it is not about being a pushover, it is not about, you know, well, you have to take care of yourself. Yes, you do, and burnout is real, and you need to take care of your needs first so you can take care of others, of course. But that does not mean that that should take the place of you being kind to other people because you have no idea, you have no idea what other people are going through. And I'm not saying you have to like roll out the red mat for every red carpet for every person you meet. But you can smile, you can scooch over a little bit in your seat if you see someone's tired and they need to sit down. You can be a little bit more observant of the world that you live in. You can pick your head up from your goddamn phone and make eye contact with somebody and say, thank you. Hey, how you doing? It's not that hard to be a kind person. You just gotta practice it. That's the difference. It's not hard, but it takes practice. It requires you to do it every single day. Small, tiny acts of kindness every single day until it becomes second nature and you don't think about it, and those things don't feel like they're something you can't do, like, oh, you're too tired, you can't smile at another human. No, you do it enough, you do it, you mean it sincerely, and then you go about your day because it took you all of a minute, not even a minute, a second, right? And I know that we don't all have strong days. Trust me when I say that. And so not every day is gonna be your best day. Of course, of course, that's okay, because hopefully there's enough kindness going around, right? It's kind of like herd immunity, right? We have to build up the kindness factor so that if you're not having a strong day, there's other people doing it so that you don't have to do it, right? But if you're the only one who's doing it, if you're out in the world feeling like you're the only person with a good heart being kind, because you can't see other people doing it, it's burns you out. But this is why you also have to pick up your head because I'm gonna sneeze. Other people are doing it, right? In subtle, small ways. A lot of people don't are not showy about it, which I think is kind of a cornerstone of being kind too, of like it's not for others, right? Or I mean it's not a per it's not performative in nature, it's not for others in that kind of way. And you just gotta see people's gestures of kindness. And I think that encourages us to be kind, right? To keep to keep our heads up and just be like, okay, all right, all right, people are being kind. I I can do it. You know, oftentimes people, I must have a some sort of face or I don't know, but I also find myself in situations, not not that I want these situations, and I'm trying to navigate this, but where people just kind of dump stuff on me and I'm I'm I'm sort of it's like trauma dumping. I'm like, oh, I'm not sure what to do. But I've sort of come to this place where it's like I don't have to do anything, nothing is required of me in this situation. If this person needs to tell this to me because they need to tell this to me, then the thing I can do is just stand there and try to be as non-judgmental as possible to look them in the eye, to make space, and just be like, okay, well, I I I hope that your date gets a little bit better, you know? I'm wishing you all the best. And I mean those words, I truly mean those words. But you know, sometimes people are just going through something where they need a hug. I don't feel comfortable giving me hugs, but you know, that sort of thing where they just need a hug, right? They just need another person to see them, to acknowledge them, so they don't feel so invisible. And I think I I feel like that often. I I I sympathize with that desire to not feel so invisible in the world. To not feel so alone And sometimes sometimes it's hard to to find the answer to what that looks like in the world because sometimes people are offering what they can and it doesn't translate, right? You can't see it. And so I think there's that piece of it too where it's like people are offering their kindness and it's just not being taken as kindness because we don't all reciprocate the same kind of kindness and the same kind you know what I mean? Like it's kind of like love languages, like we don't all have the same love languages, and so you know, you might be doing this thing that I'm not understanding is you trying to reach out. I don't know. I I feel like I'm rambling a little bit now or I'm overexplaining, or or maybe I'm projecting. I mean, maybe it's just me wanting to say, I wish people were nicer to me, you know, which feels really um whiny. And then I think to myself, but you get to take up space, you get to have your feelings if that's how you feel. And I I do think that's kind of where all this stems from. You know, I started, I think, this podcast, the top of this podcast a little hot. Um because I do think I'm in a moment of feeling unseen. And as I'm growing up when I feel that, what I'm trying to get to do is obviously take do the things I need to do to take care of myself. But on the more kind of holistic level, I'm trying to tell myself, well, sometimes that means that maybe you need to get out in the world and be seen. And not just be you know, like be out in the world, but like hey y'all. You're listening to Human But Barely, the podcast for when your therapist's out of office and you're spiraling into chaos and you need a friend to cry with. I'm your host, I'm your friend, the voice behind Human But Barely, Kate. New episodes drop every Friday, so be sure to check out New episodes drop every Friday, so be sure to check that out wherever you get your pods and be on the lookout for new and exciting updates on the Instagram page at HumanButBarly. All one word. I'm trying something new on Instagram right now, so if you notice it, let me know. Give it a like, give it a share, give it a comment. Much appreciated. Okay, let's begin, folks. It's been a while. It's been a long while. And for any of you that are tuning back in or you're tuning in for the first time, I started this podcast kind of out of desperation. Out of um, let me take my glasses off to get serious, to get real with y'all. Um, out of something, out of a desire, a need, a need for something. Uh there was a hole inside my chest that I thought I could fill with a podcast. I don't know. I mean, everybody was doing it. Why can't I do it? And I started to do it, and I got all the stuff, and I was really into it for all of maybe two or three weeks. And the thing that happens to me always happens to me, where I try something new and it doesn't give me sort of that instantaneous fix that I'm hoping for, that I'm looking for, and I just let it go. And that's not a quality I particularly love in myself, but I also sort of feel like I have no control over it because I I I come I debate myself on where that a lot of people would say it's not follow-through or it's not having discipline or willpower. Well, you know, we have all these like new age words for what that is. And I think on some level it is that, you know, I do think as a kid, I don't think I was really forced to stick with anything, or the way my parents thought they were encouraging me to stick with something was just sort of brute force, right? They would just yell at me. I think like a lot of millennial kids, right? It was just yelling, you better do it. You know, I put so much my paid so much, you know. And obviously, I think as an adult, then that does not translate into the best uh coping strategies for dealing with things you don't like. Um, but then there's part of me that also sort of says to myself, Well, can I honor that feeling of like not wanting to stick with it? Because what if I don't like it? I mean, maybe that feeling is just I don't like this, like this isn't for me. Um, because I feel like there are avenues in my life where I stick with things. It's not like I've dropped everything. But the place that I'm trying to create nuance now is did I drop it because it became hard or it was too difficult, or I was in the learning phase and I just was like, oh, fuck this. I'm not, I'm not even gonna teach myself, you know, and so then I'm putting this weird pressure of like because I'm not good enough at it, because I started it like two days ago, I don't like it. You know, that's a different, that's a different beast, right? And that's a perfectionist sort of trauma response beast that I think I can deal with in a different way than just like, oh, I should just stick with stuff because I need to stick with stuff. You know, do you understand what I'm saying? It's a weird, it's a weird line I draw in my life where, you know, I like to say the world is not black and white, it's gray. And I'm not like crediting myself with like saying that. Like I'm not the first person to say that, I know, but I say that a lot to remind myself, it doesn't have to be this or that, it can be somewhere in the middle. So it can be a combination, I think, of I don't like that I'm not good at this, and this is bringing up feelings that I'm not comfortable with, and also I don't like it, and those feelings, the wires can get crossed, and it's hard to understand the true block to not pursue something. Because I, you know, one of the things I'm really trying hard in my life to do is be truthful of myself as much as I possibly can. You know, I think at the end of the day, we're our own worst enemies, you know. I think it's hard to see yourself really clearly to be able to step back and really see yourself as a complete person, flaws and all, and look at that kind of objectively, you know, without judgment and sort of not take on any one thing, be it the best or the worst qualities, and and make that your whole personality. Um, I think I I mean I can only speak for myself, right? I don't know what other people are doing in the world, I don't know what other people are doing. So for me, for me, that's a truth. I think it's hard for me to step back from myself and be really honest with myself sometimes. But then there's parts, there's times, there's instances I go through where I think I'm too honest with myself, and sometimes like too empathetic of like other people of like how they might have seen me in that situation, which I would never think is a problem. Like, how can you be too empathetic? But I think what happens with that is that I put my own shit on that, and I take that as weakness, right? That I'm too understanding of my maybe perception of others in that situation, and so I take that on as like, yeah, well, of course they wouldn't see me as somebody who, you know, could advocate for themselves or speak up for themselves, or um I don't know. I'm I'm going on a tangent I I don't really like, and I don't I don't know why, because one of the reasons I came back to sit down at the mic and and do this podcast was um I have tried to record many, many episodes in the last few months. Many. Um, I'm gonna have to see if I can pull all the files. I I have thought I've thought a lot about just throwing up there, just like putting them out in the world, and like maybe that would be cathartic. And but I they were coming from a really dark place. And and not that I was saying anything necessarily nervous-making, but I just I would like to be more even-keeled in the world. In so much as I can be reasonable, and that I can know when I'm shifting from one mania to the next, you know, I can have my really, really high highs and I can have my really, really low lows, and that's okay because I'm an incredibly passionate, sensitive person. I feel things very deeply. Um, and I'm learning to accept that for myself, but then in the world, I I want to be authentic with that, but I also want to keep that private. I want to keep that to myself and not to hide it, but to learn how to maneuver in the world where those parts of myself are mine, and I can share them with the people I like to share them with, who I feel safe and I feel like I can trust. And then everybody else doesn't need that part of me. And that's what I mean about being sort of reasonable and even keeled. I experience real low periods of that come from people saying something that they might say just totally casually offhand and might not have even meant what I took it to mean, but that will spin me into a place where I sort of have to take myself away from the world for days, you know, and I have to be really just quiet and with myself and sort of um disassociating. And I'm not, I'm not condoning that behavior, but I'm also trying not to judge it. I'm really trying to move to just a place of observation in my life, of like that is a thing I do, and I I'm tired of putting labels on like, oh, that's hell unhealthy. That's a trauma thing, that's a trigger. Like, those things are true, and I think it's important to acknowledge those things as they happen sometimes, but also I think I'm so focused on that stuff, like I'm hiding behind that in some ways, and I'm like, no, I I really because part of what the impetus for coming back to this podcast and sort of this weird tangential rant of going on here now is um I was watching something on social media and the and this woman was trying to talk about how we sort of self-regulate and how do we work on being in difficult moments when we recognize that our response to the moment is maybe bigger than the moment calls for, but it's triggered us in such a way that you know we're having these very big feelings, you know, kind of how a child is in the world, okay? So it's partly that too, of like self-parent is like reparenting yourself, of like you weren't you weren't taught how to sort of I wasn't taught to sort of understand how to handle myself in moments where I don't think I need to lash out at somebody in the most you know venomous anger because they said, you know, you're too sensitive. Um, and because that for me has a whole mountain of meaning. I don't think that person meant that, right? They don't know me, they don't know my upbringing, like they're just kind of saying it because it's an easy way to kind of um toss somebody off, right? Toss somebody's feelings off. Um and so one of the things she said was like, okay, so we need to pull from, you know, the lit, we need to create these lists to sort of help remind ourselves. And there's like a couple of lists she was saying of like this kind of list of of, you know, one, two, three, breathing, you know, that sort of stuff, the physical, and then, and then one of the lists she said was, and then think about all the things you love about yourself and remind yourself that you are bigger than your feelings, you're bigger than this moment because you have all these things about yourself that are amazing. And remind yourself that you are a person outside of this experience and and hope and and kind of talking about that as a way to sort of ground yourself, to disassociate yourself from the moment, to sort of remind yourself that you're a person. Who does have control over your feelings? And I'm gonna say the thing I'm gonna say, and I'm not meaning to say it in like a oh, woe is me kind of thing. But it struck me that like I don't have a list of the things I love about myself because I don't love anything about myself. Now, that does not to say there's nothing lovable about me. That's not what I mean. But I do think I struggle with sort of having the self-esteem and self-worth to sort of be able to say, I really love these things about myself. Can I see great qualities in myself? Sure. Do I think that I'm a good person? Yes. Do I love those things about myself? Like if I, if I could I, and I and I'm qualifying that for myself of like, is that unconditional love where it's like, no matter what I did, even the worst thing I ever did, I would love myself because I have these things. No, I can't say that. Like that the darkest of darks, I can just say, but you know, I love your smile.

SPEAKER_02 44:56

Like I mean, even I laugh at it because the idea of being able to say that to myself is ridiculous.

SPEAKER_01 45:03

Even if I thought that was true, right? Like, even if I thought one of my best qualities was my my laugh or my smile. To be able to say, I love my smile.

SPEAKER_02 45:13

I'm sorry, y'all. It is such a foreign concept for me. It is so hard. Like, even through the laughter, I hope you can pick up like how uncomfortable that makes me.

SPEAKER_01 45:23

Like, that is not a place that I um I'm like, yeah, let's just punch through and get this done. Um no. And something, like, of course, it made me sad. I mean, it wasn't, I'm not uh, I'm not sort of a sociopath to myself where I'm like, oh, it's fine. Um, but I did, I did sort of think to myself, I I don't I don't know how people get that list. I mean, is that just like a fake it till you make it kind of thing where you say things to yourself enough that you come to just believe it in your heart? Because I'm coming at it of the uh the approach I'm coming at it with is like I need to feel it before I say it. And I don't I don't think that's how it works. Um I could be wrong, but so yeah, I uh I wanted to work on that. Like I want to love stuff about myself. Absolutely. I'm lovable. Um and and it and it comes from this under realization too, an epiphany, if you will. Oh god, I just spit on the mic. I'm gonna rub it off and it's gonna sound just horrible. Sorry. I'm either gonna cut that out or I'm not gonna cut it out, and you're just gonna have some weird ass ASMR in the middle of that. Um I think when I grew up, my parents did not provide unconditional love. I think it was very conditional, and I feel it now, especially as an adult with my mom. Um, if you don't know, my dad is my dad is dead. He was an alcoholic, uh, he's no longer with us. Um, but I feel it especially now with my mom. She uh really expects me to be a certain kind of way in the world. And but I the way she expects me to be is essentially happy and happy-go-lucky, and just sort of have no worries or problems or stress. And not because she doesn't think I'm entitled to those feelings or that I shouldn't have them because, like, what what can I possibly feel bad about? But because it comes from her own sense of inadequacy as a mother, right? That like she wants everything to be pie in the sky for me, she wants everything to be perfect, she hates when I struggle, she hates when I'm having a difficult time. But her way of supporting me during those times is to just be really critical and mean, and um, she's the kind of person who if you're talking about something difficult, she brings it back to her. And if you sort of point out, like, hey, can I have five minutes to sort of talk about me, then it's an immediate, like, well, you know, I do this for you and I do that for you, and I do, you know, all this sort of stuff. So it's it's it's I think that's narcissistic behavior, you know. And in case you guys don't know, I'll just lay in on a little something. I'm very late to the game with realizing a lot of stuff. So I'm 36, I'll be 37 this year. Um, I graduated college, I matriculated from college many, many years ago, but it wasn't until college that I realized my dad was an alcoholic. We were like in some um anti-racism training, and uh it shouldn't surprise you that I do things like that. I just have to say, like, if you don't, if you can't pick up on the vibes I'm putting down, like uh uh and I'm mostly saying that because um uh like I kind of only want to attract people who are on the right side of history and not the wrong side. So just you know, take take that, take that as you will, anyways. Um and I like blurted out, I literally I just like blurted out like I think my dad's an alcoholic, and like it wasn't I I don't I should probably unpack that because I still have a lot of weird feelings about that sort of revelation and revealing that to the people I revealed it to, like people who did not give a shit and was like not a safe space, but I don't know what in that moment I had come to that conclusion and needed to say it, but I clearly needed to say, like I needed to get it out of my body, obviously. Like it just needed to be something that I put out in the world that I recognized. Um, but my dad, so the other thing I I've learned over time is that like alcoholism looks different than we might think. Um, maybe not now, maybe millennials and Gen Zs understand it a little different, but um nobody ever talked to me about it until I sort of had to do the research on my own. But um there's the way I break it down, this is maybe not how other people would break it down, but there's essentially sort of two types of alcoholism, right? There's the genetic you're born with, you have a drink from day one and you can't stop drinking. Um and there's a physiological reason for that. So there's that kind of alcoholism. And then I think what a lot of people have is when we talk about like high functioning and alcoholics and stuff like that, is actually an alcohol uh dependency problem, right? It becomes an alcohol abuse problem, which creates a tolerance that over time your tolerance increases, and then the more and more you drink, the more and more your body requires that drink, and the more and more you're dependent on alcohol, right? So that was my dad. So my dad was never like a stumble-down drunk when I was a kid, but he always drank. And the older I got, the more he drank. And he never drank hard liquor, he was a beer drinker, but it was more and more and more, and he'd and then as time went on, as the years went on, the decades went on, he started earlier and earlier, earlier. And because he didn't look like the kind of, but you know, by the end of the evening, he was always like passed out on the sofa somewhere. Um because my dad was pretty volatile as it was as a person, anyways, without drinking. I mean, he just was very emotionally manipulative and very emotionally withholding and very emotionally just kind of abusive in in some in certain areas of his life. Again, there were just things that were off topic that we could not talk about, or you couldn't ever, you know, ask him to do more than he was willing to do, and um so it never I never put two and two together that he actually was worse when he was drinking because he already kind of had explosive anger, or you always kind of had to tread carefully around him because he it wasn't it was unpredictable, which made it unsafe. And so on some level, the more he drank, sort of the calmer he got until at some point he wasn't calm anymore, right? And something would set him off. Um, and so I it did I didn't I never put two and two together because I think that would probably be the only thing as a kid that I would I would recognize and to understand, like, oh my dad drinks, and then he gets really mean. Um so it wasn't until I was out of the house, and I and I I can't even tell you what occurred to me in that moment to sort of to say, like, oh my god, my dad is alcoholic. I must have been thinking about it. I mean, it must have been something that was like marinating in the back of my brain. Or maybe it was because I went to college and people did have alcoholic parents and they were sort of talking about this stuff, or you know, I I don't know. None of that rings a bell, none of that sounds true to me, like, oh, you know, all of a sudden, or maybe I was witnessing people who, you know, were functioning alcoholics in college. I mean, I think I realized this maybe my sophomore year, junior year. I don't think it was my first year. Um, and so it also wasn't like immediate. So maybe it was just being in a new environment and I was able to process, or maybe I was witnessing behavior that somehow clicked in my brain, or maybe I heard people talking about something. Um, but yeah, and so growing up, my mom and my dad triggered each other in these ways that like they were in some they were soulmates in in one on in one on one hit the hand. And on the other hand, the way that, and I think this is natural for all relationships, but the way that they triggered each other and the ways that they um their damage was the exact damage that they shouldn't be with, right? Like they were with the exact wrong people, um, but they loved each other so much. Um it was tough because they had a lot of love for each other, but they also had a lot of hate for each other. And I don't think they'd ever say it was hate, but they were not good for each other, and then that just created this really explosive um childhood, and I I don't I can't tell you that like I didn't feel safe as a kid or I felt some kind of way, but I see my behaviors as an adult and all the literature and all the sort of stuff you hear about certain things, I have to say, like, okay, I have that, right? I have sort of this perfectionism piece because I can't, I don't feel like I can do anything wrong, or if I do something wrong, I'm afraid it's I'm gonna get in trouble, or I have a fawning response where I'm always constantly trying to please people and and make people at ease, and I don't really articulate my needs, or to articulate my needs feels so emotionally painful for me because I know that I'm like I know it's a burden. I know it's a it's gonna be a burden to somebody else. So it's it's like already gut-wrenching for me to have to do that. And then, you know, I can't just sort of have a reasonable conversation with somebody about like, hey, you said this thing, it really sort of I didn't understand it, or it felt kind of um I I'm not sure what you intended there because it it for me it came off quite quite rude, or I thought you were implying something about my work, and I could you, you know, I I wanted some clarity, like I can't have conversations like that. Like, I can't, and then I keep it all inside and I internalize it. I mean, that's one of the big things I do that I think um I had a very isolating childhood, I would say. And because of that, I internalize everything and I'm hyper-independent, right? I I've learned to have to do everything by myself just because people are unsafe. I can't depend on them. And I'm sort of saying all this to bring it back to this point of like, why did I start this podcast? It was kind of that. It's to sort of break down my barriers, to remind myself that I can trust people, that people are trustworthy, that people want to love me, that people are intend good things, they don't wanna hurt me, even though I have all these experiences in life that contradict that. But then, you know, the thing that you have to kind of remind yourself, I have to remind myself, if you come into it with the attitude of like, people are hurtful, people are gonna hurt me, people, people are mean, those are gonna be the experiences you remember the most. And that's kind of where I'm at at this point in my life, where I have all these really shitty memories of experiences. But I question myself now of like, are those even true? Because, you know, we have I don't know what the opposite of rose-colored glasses are, but we need an expression because is it like teal-colored glasses or something? Where it's like you put on these other glasses and you you see sort of a more negative experience, but it's not like the worst thing, right? It's not like I don't even want to like make up an experience, but I I hope you guys know what I mean where it's it's like you can't trust the experience because you've put on these teal-colored glasses and you're like, I think I've maybe colored it in brush strokes where it's maybe more intense or negative than it potentially was. But I've I've really poured into this memory that this feeling, and so that's the memory. And it's like, yeah, but babes, it's possible, just like I said on the top, right? Like, nothing is black and white. It's possible that that experience was gray, that there might have been a shit moment, but there could have been a great moment that is now lost because you've let the evil win, you know. And I um I don't know, so I started doing this podcast and I got how I usually get when I start things where I was like, oh, people aren't listening to it, the numbers are bad. I mean, all this stuff where it's like I'm I'm creating something out of nothing. Like, what do I expect? The fact that anybody listened to it, I should, you know, be thankful for, praise. Um, but I got too obsessed with that, and then I felt really shitty about that. And I was like, oh my god, I'm only ex I you know, I need so much external validation. Like, I can't have any I can't just be proud of myself or anything. Girl, I think we all know how that conversation goes. You know, and I I um I get really sick of myself being so obsessed with myself. Like the whole world is about me. My whole understanding of everything is about me, and I get it. Like, it's your life, it's your lived experience. It's hard to get outside of that because it's what you're you're in the body every day doing the thing. Like, of course, that's what you're gonna see. But it's like the world is bigger than that, and also everybody is suffering, everybody is having a hard time. Like, that's one of the things that should I would like to drive me as a person. Not like everyone is suffering, so you know it's okay that I'm suffering. No, more, more the idea of people have it really rough for uh innumerable reasons, right? I mean, you have no idea what people are going through behind closed doors. And I think uh for me, I would like to be the type of person that can step outside myself on a daily basis, be true to who I am, have a strong center of who I am, know what I would like in the world, and then not let that be compromised by everything else because I can be kind to other people. I don't have to take people's shit to like means anything about me, right? Traumatize people, traumatize other people, right? We say hurt people, hurt people, but you have trauma, of course, that's gonna spill out onto other people. You're trying to deal with your own stuff in the best way that you can, or you're not trying to deal with it. I mean, I you know, you can't force people to do what they're not ready or are not able to do. But like, I'm tired of taking that so personally when other people do that to me. Like, I'm trying to practice this thing now where I pretend I have a shield up when people start to get into a particular kind of way or I feel like a tone is coming to put a shield up and say, no, it doesn't hurt me. They can say what they need to say, but I don't have to take it in. I don't have to let it infiltrate my peace. And because I don't have to let it infiltrate my peace, I can still be kind, I can be compassionate, I don't have to fall into the bed for three days because somebody said something that in their moment of hurt destroyed me. Because that's no way to live, you know, because we're all we're we're all having a hard time. And people are gonna say shit and do stuff that I think really they don't have malice behind, you know. I mean, they're really I think most people who hurt you, at least from my experience, aren't intentionally trying to hurt you. They're just careless. And I don't know, it's a really, it's a really, really difficult place for me. And I guess I was struggling with putting up more episodes of this podcast because I really just wanted love and validation, as I always do, which I I guess I'm going on this tangent is because like that's where it stems from, right? It's like I want to be vulnerable in the world and I want to be my true authentic self, and I just feel like that keeps getting pummeled, and people just keep taking advantage of that. And so here I am posting this podcast where I'm trying to be like vulnerable and authentic and try to do this work on myself to be more present in the world, and it's like nobody cares, everybody hates me, you know.

SPEAKER_02 1:02:17

I don't know, girl.

SPEAKER_01 1:02:18

Girl, it just is an exhaust, it's exhausting, exhausting to have that conversation with myself all the time. Because again, then it's just like, oh my god, just get over yourself.

SPEAKER_02 1:02:29

But you're like, oh, but I can't if I don't, if I don't, if I don't care about me, who's gonna care about me?

SPEAKER_01 1:02:35

And it's like, girl, the world is gonna spin on. Like the trees are gonna still be there if nobody cares about you. You know what I mean? Like, and I'm not saying that as a dismissive thing of like who cares about you, but it's just like the world will go on, which is sort of the lesson of life, right? Like, no matter what happens to you, what you feel, if you wake up, like the world is still spinning on. The only things that ends this thing is death, right? And which comes for all of us. And sometimes it feels like that would be a sweet relief, but then this is all over, and then I think, and then I think, well, I don't know, do I want this to be over? It's like, oh, but it's so painful, maybe. But it's like, yeah, but to not have any feelings to sort of be motionless in this not life space. I I don't know. But but I came back to record this, um, kind of not from my own volition. I mean, sort of I mean, obviously, like nobody's like holding a gun to my head. But um I noticed that the podcast was doing well, sort of all on its own. I don't know what we call well, but I'm gonna drink some coffee, iced coffee here, hold on. I've done very little promoting. Obviously, I have an Instagram, but but um I don't get any engagement on it really. And um I haven't put up any pot episodes, I haven't put up any promotion, I haven't done anything. And I've gotten like let me pull up the stats. I've gotten like in the last nine days, um girl. I pulled up these stats specifically to pull it show you guys and now um hold on, pause.

unknown 1:04:42

Okay, great. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 1:04:46

Okay, sorry. Um, I'm I'm sorry, y'all. Don't let me do anything other can you okay, okay. Stats, stats, stats. Okay. In the last 30 days, I've had nine downloads. What? And these numbers kept changing. They kept going like up and up. Okay, last 90 days. I've had last 90 days, I've had 13 downloads. I posted my last episode on August 15th, 2025. And in the last 90 days, I've had what did I say, 13 downloads. Girl, what? There's two episodes up and a teaser trailer. I have 15. I'm just, let's just be really honest. I mean, you guys don't care. I have 15 downloads on my second episode. I have seven downloads on my first episode and 10 downloads on my teaser trailer, which I think is crazy. Because what are y'all how are y'all finding this? And I think it's interesting because my first episode, I worked really hard and it was like super curated, and I like had done all this stuff. And then my second episode, I was like trying to keep to schedule. I was like, girl, I just like gotta get this up. And it's totally like off the cuff. I don't think I really edited it. I don't think I did anything. And like, y'all love that one twice as much. You love that twice as much. And um, so here we are. This is what I'm doing again. I I think I'm just gonna have to right after I record this. And I think you guys also like the length. My guess is part of it's the length because people just put on podcasts in the background and they just like want the noise, which hey, uh you do you. I'm not upset about that. But um, but they like the long ones, not a short one, you know. I also think that's sort of the thing of a podcast, right? Like, isn't that the and then I got books, and I was like gonna read all these books on podcasting. I was like, I'm gonna, I'm gonna like be better. I'm gonna do all this stuff. Girl, I haven't read those books. I should. Like, you know, arm yourself with knowledge. There's nothing wrong with it. But I think, you know, slow but steady, I just I was feeling really bad that I wasn't recording. Really, I was beating myself up. I was beating myself over months, and so then I said, okay, just take a longer pause. Just, you know, because this is for me. This is not for you, this is for me. And like I gotta enjoy it. And if I'm not enjoying it, like, what am I doing?

SPEAKER_02 1:07:14

What is happening?

SPEAKER_01 1:07:15

So I'm having more coffee. I wish I knew what you guys liked about that episode. I but you know what? I really had fun. I actually had a lot of fun editing the episode. Um, like I don't like doing all the like hard cut, like I did a lot of hard cuts in my first one, and I did all this like well, I I say did all this intense editing. I don't know what I'm doing. I'm like learning on the job. Um and I liked not doing as much editing, but I did like editing it. Like I liked putting in the songs, and like for that episode, Off the Rails, I I found a song. Specifically, I found a song that I could use that was off the rails, which I love that song now. I listen to it all the time. I I feel terrible because I don't know. I'm gonna search it right now. Um, I just had the new Ray album up. I have not listened to it, y'all. I want to listen to it. Um Okay, now I'm never gonna be able to find who wrote this song. Okay, hold on. Y'all, this is boring. This is boring. Do you care? Well, I don't know if I care if you care, okay? Okay. Because I get to do what I get to do. I'm doing all this on my computer though, and like I listen to my Okay, I have Apple music. Don't don't hate me, y'all. But I feel so validated and vindicated right now because Spotify's freaking supporting ice, and I'm like, haha. Except, like, is Apple any better? I mean, Apple's the Antichrist in a whole different kind of way. So I can pat my back, I'm I can pat myself on the back for all of what? Two seconds before it's like, yeah, but what is Apple? How's Apple destroying the planet? Okay. Yasme you. You guys aren't gonna be able to hear it. I don't even think it's playing. Yeah, there we go.

SPEAKER_00 1:09:27

So dance it out.

SPEAKER_01 1:09:41

I hope you guys are having a little dance party. Okay. So good though, right? So good. I felt very proud of myself. I found that song. I loved it. It's in my playlist now. I listen to it every couple of months, but it's like such a good, it just it makes it just you want to dance, right? Don't you want to dance? You just want to move your body. Maybe not dance, just move your body. Which I think like I don't have enough of. Oh damn, am I recording? Oh, see, okay, I just looked. See, I obviously am losing interest in myself because I just looked. I tried to record this. Oh my god, I tried to record another episode in 3:30. And I don't know if I just recorded over this or if there's gonna be two. I'm gonna have to look, girl, I'm gonna have to look. But I think I didn't finish that episode because I started crying. Yeah. I think I got a little too emotional. I started crying. I think I started crying in a lot of my old episodes. I'm gonna have to, I will. I'm gonna say this. I'm not promising anything, but I'm gonna try to find my old episodes that I recorded. I don't know. I don't to be honest with you, I don't know if I actually like saved saved them. I feel like I recorded them and then I don't know if I did anything with them. Okay, wait, here. Episode four raw. Episode three raw. Okay. Looks like I had an episode three draft script. Girl, you know I did not use that. Um episode four draft script. What is even in these drafts? Draft scripts. Like there can't be anything in them. I haven't written. I didn't Okay. What is episode three draft? Um no, okay. Three, three. I actually wrote something. Okay. I've been gone for a minute. Did you notice? That sounds like is that is that what we'd call a pick me? Or is that just sad? Did you even notice I was gone? Let's get right into it. See, I think I'm some kind of um DJ. Basically, I flew too close to the sun. Without getting too far into establishing canon and lore, oh girl, I'm such a good writer. Let's just go with I didn't start this podcast because I'm doing great. Girl, see, on brand. I know what I'm talking about. I was chugging along with my episodes, but if I'm honest, like most decisions in my life, I just had a gut feeling and I decided to leap, hoping Annette would catch me. I didn't make a plan. I just went on the feeling. Okay, well, Kate from the past, when did you write this? This is redundant, and uh, you're just repeating yourself. Now, see, I think I'm a good writer. Like, I think I could punch that up and that would be really good. But is that good? I don't, I don't know, y'all. I think I think I could have been a writer. I I do think I could have been a writer. I just don't have the patience to write. Like, oh, every single day you have to sit down for like eight hours and oh no, god. Basically, I don't want to work. Can you get are you guys getting that sense? I just don't want to work. I was in the process of writing my third script during which I had a slight emotional moment that I had recorded. Oh, I think I was crying. Yeah, I think I was crying during that too. So I had this raw emotional footage I was gonna use for episode three. I actually did a brilliant job of working it in. Oh, yeah, because I was like talking about it. See, so okay, this is draft episode three draft script. I have unre I have records, records, record records of other stuff. Okay, I'll have to find them. So would you guys like me to just possible episode three recording? See, I have a WAV file that's done. I don't know what so do you guys want me to just episode two final cut. I think I posted episode two, so that's episode two first cut. See, because I did a lot of editing on it. Yeah, okay, so I'm just gonna put this question to the group. Obviously, I'm just like fucking around at this point now, but do you guys want me to upload my sad, sad, sad footage? I don't know how much I have. Um I have I did have an idea that I wanted to um go back and be like future editor. So, so like record an episode and then as I'm editing it, like record in something over top of it. Um would that be at all interesting to anybody? Because I can do that. Um yeah, I'll have to find it. And then the other thing is that's so annoying to me. Like, this is me too. I'm so organized. I have all these folders for all my podcast stuff, and it's like if I go, I I have Google, I have a G drive, but if I go on my G drive, I have this folder, human but barely. Okay, great. I open it, episodes, graphics, ideas, scripts, show music. Girl, there's like hardly anything in here. Like, why did I who did I think I was? Like, I thought I would actually do all this stuff.

unknown 1:15:00

I haven't done any of this stuff.

SPEAKER_01 1:15:02

And then it's like pisses me off because I was thinking, oh, I can just upload the shit I've done in the past. Like I can I just have some stuff I can upload. Girl, I don't know where it all is. I don't know where it all is. Like these raw files. Like, I'm gonna have to like hunt these down. These scripts, I'm gonna like hunt these down. Like, what's in here? I made I made folders for episode one, two, three, four, five. Why? I don't even have okay, I have the episode two final cut. I have that in there. Okay, I think, I think I have one and two. Okay. Girl, I'm gonna have to go back. Because this is the thing. I was like, I'm gonna do this every week. I'm gonna, you know, and on some level, if I don't edit it, I could put out, I probably could put a podcast out every week. Um, but I was doing this and I was getting so tired of what I was saying because I by the set by the second episode, I was like, I can't write a script. Like, I can't do it. Because it's just me, right? And so I'm writing it, I'm editing it, I'm recording it, I'm uploading it, I'm promoting it. I'm it's like a lot of work. And I just I couldn't get into the rhythm of it because I didn't know what I was doing. And so there's like all the stuff that I'm having you learn on the job and do it. And that's how everybody starts. I know, like, I know, and I'm not complaining that I'd have to do all of that stuff. It just was more than I had expected or anticipated, or it was more work than I was willing to take on at the moment. And so then I was like, girl, I can't do this every week. And then I was like, well, maybe every once a month. And I was like, well, who's gonna listen to a podcast once a month? But I was like, well, if that's what you can do, that's what you can do. But see, this is what goes on in my head, y'all. This is why it's exhausting. That's why even recording this is exhausting because you hear the inner monologue that is my life, and I'm sickened.

SPEAKER_02 1:16:55

I'm sickened by myself. Like, we all can't be Howard Stern who just, you know, I guess has endless stories and isn't able to talk about himself for hours and hours and hours. Except he doesn't.

SPEAKER_01 1:17:05

I'm not trying to, I'm I'm not, I'm not coming for him in a real way. So please, please, please don't, please don't come after me. I just I had a little bit of understanding for, you know, people who are on shows, like talk shows, like you, you need a I make sense why you need a giant team of people because you gotta get fed ideas. Because if you're relying on yourself, either you need to be the most interesting person on the planet, or you just gotta love sharing your passion, which I guess my passion is me, which uh but you might, you know, you may be like the Irwins, right? And you love animals and you just want to share about animals, like that would be cool. Um I I just feel like the things I'm interested in, girl, I don't think anybody like I collect, I collect vintage paperweights. Like, y'all want to know about glass?

SPEAKER_02 1:18:00

Like I could talk about glass. I just who wants to hear about that?

SPEAKER_01 1:18:04

I don't know. Um, I've recently gotten into plants. Um, because when I'm ha going through really hard periods, um I need to care for things I've discovered about myself, and so now I'm becoming a plant mom and I have had to like rescue all the plants at the store because like god, they're just and I have this really sad succulent that I don't know if he's gonna come back.

SPEAKER_02 1:18:24

I'm so worried about him.

SPEAKER_01 1:18:25

But hey, we're hanging on sunlight and just patience, which plants are a good thing for me because I have no patience. Again, I don't know if you've picked that up. Um, but I have zero patience, and uh, so it's a good skill for me to work on because like girl, patience gets you very far in the world. Um, but I have plants, and then I also realized the other day, I had my last other like big breakdown, like really difficult life experience 10 years ago. And I was like, girl, this probably makes sense. Like you have one every decade. That seems fair. You have one in your 20s, your thirties, or already 50s, 60s, 70s, 80s, 90s. I mean, you have one once a decade where you just like this one's down bad. It's taken me about a year in my life. Not quite quite a year, but once I probably like dig out, it will probably be a year. Um, but I um had another one like in 2014, 2015, and that's when I got my dog. That's when I got Tallahassee. Um, and I just realized that the other day, and I was like, damn. So I'm pretty on form, basically. I'm like, you can set your watch by me. Um, yeah, and then I the other thing is I sort of have this podcast too because I'm just so lonely. I think I'm just so lonely. And it's weird because I say that, and even there's like a physical part of me that rebuffs that notion because I don't want to admit that to myself, which I think is really, really interesting. Like I don't wanna um that to be true, I guess. Because then I think that would force me to accept the fact that I need help, I need people in my life, I need um others, and because I think people are scary and they hurt you, it's hard. Those are very, very difficult conflicting notions and ideas for me, and so you know, I gotta work through that at the pace I can work through that. That's just all it is, and um, but it's good information to have, and that's why I felt strong enough to record this episode today, where I I felt more in a space of like maybe I've come off today very whiny and like rah. And uh that's kind of me too, you know. Like if uh in A, they make you take like a moral inventory of yourself so you can like know the worst qualities about yourself to sort of be responsible for yourself completely in the world. Um, I would probably say that's what a mine is like. I can be very, very whiny. Like my true, my true unicorn self can be pretty whiny and very, very critical judgmental. I can be very judgmental of people. But the flip side of that, the pot, what is the okay, so this is what I've been trying to do lately. Okay, so I am a very critical judgmental person. Like I I can, but I won't say it to your face. Okay, so I don't know if that's a good or bad thing, but I won't say it to your face. But the positive of that is that I use that to be discerning in the world, and it helps me understand the world more. So to be judgmental of people and like make really quick um based on no information judgments of people does require my brain to sort of be like, whoa, you have no basis for that. You're just assuming all of these things. I'm like, and then I can say, Oh my gosh, brain, you're so right. Why am I assuming that? And oftentimes I'm assuming that stuff because it's stuff about me, right? Like, I actually know nothing about this person. And if what I'm assuming about this person is true, I actually would want to be very kind, right? Like, you might walk past somebody who like their clothes are dirty, and you'll be like, Oh, I don't know what's going on there. You're like, I'm gonna step back here. And while that information is maybe true, and you're like, I uh I don't know what's going on, like you know, they each their own, but it also could be a mom who's really struggling, right? Who hasn't gotten any sleep and she needs to go out to the grocery store really quickly because she's to feed her kids and she's like, I don't have any clean clothes, you know. I I guess this is what I'm trying to say. It's like my being very judgmental and critical also causes me to be very empathetic because it immediately my brain is like, whoa, whoa, whoa, what is that information based on? And then I'm like, oh yeah, it's not based on anything, and it's more a me thing than a them thing. And so what is that saying more about me that like I'm assuming that thing, or like really, I think a lot of times too, like my judgment is sort of like a thing I'm scared about, I guess. And it's like there's a difference, I think, in surveying your surroundings and being aware of your surroundings to protect yourself, to just sort of, you know, be safe, especially as a woman, right? That's not the same thing as like just judging people. Being being cautious is not the same thing as being judgmental, right? I think what is the definition of judgmental? Let's look it up because I know there's okay, judgmental, frequently, yeah, harsh, premature, negative opinions about others, often driven by their own security.

SPEAKER_02 1:23:45

See, girl, I didn't even need the definition, and I was saying it, and I came up with it all my own. I'm a genius, y'all. I'm a genius. No, you're not like girl, you're literally describing the definition of judgmental, and you're like pretending like you.

SPEAKER_01 1:24:02

No, okay, but here it says lack of empathy, and I would say it does the opposite for me. Believing others are not out to get you, or inherently assuming negative intent, believing others are out to get you. See, yeah, of course. Constant criticism focus on shortcut shortcomings rather than strength. Yes, that's me. Partly because I came from such a critical mother. All or nothing thinking. See, I learned in therapy that that's a thing. I didn't even know that was a thing, y'all. That's why I'm trying to say, like, I'm not trying to think about things as black and white anymore. It's gray. I didn't even know I had that thinking. That all or nothing thinking is also like a trauma response. Like you perceiving the world as good and bad and nothing in between. Like, all of that is uh a response to kind of creating a really small world for yourself, which comes from you know, however you were raised or live in the world. And I was like, I did not know that. Yeah, rapid, harsh conclusions, frequently forming negative opinions without having all the facts. Yeah, see, but I think we can use see jealousy or envy. I think that's partly why I do it too. Upbringing, learn behavior from parents who are insecure or highly critical.

SPEAKER_02 1:25:10

Girl, see, it's not even my fault.

SPEAKER_01 1:25:14

Unsolved, no, unresolved, pardon me. Internal criticism. People who judge others harshly often have strict, punishing inner voices leading to projection. Girl, that's me. I've never felt so seen. Oh my god, the internet, like, girl, girl, it's reading me.

SPEAKER_02 1:25:30

It's coming for me.

SPEAKER_01 1:25:32

Emotional stagnation, the negativity involved in judging others often leads to lower satisfaction in life and increased mental health issues.

SPEAKER_02 1:25:39

Well, that's that's true.

SPEAKER_01 1:25:43

It causes disconnection, distress, and resentment. Also have that. Reduced opportunities and flexible critical attitudes can limit social circles and professional opportunities. Girl, that's me. Okay, benefits of being less judgmental. Let's see. Better mental health. Okay, we love that. We love that for a queen. Reduces stress, anxiety, okay. And releases the emotional burden on oneself. I need that. I a hundred percent need that. Increases stronger relationships, increasing empathy allows for more genuine connections and trust. Okay, well we'll come back to that one. Personal growth. Being more open-minded increases adaptability and reduces the need for self-protection. Girl, that's that's me. I'm so self-protective. I'm like a little turtle. But even turtles, I think, are not that self-protective.

SPEAKER_02 1:26:32

But my shell, my shell is tough.

SPEAKER_01 1:26:34

It is hard. Practice mindfulness. Pause and reframe. Develop self-compassion. Yeah, I gotta work on the self-compassion. Are you guys self-compassionate? And like, if you are, how do you do it? Like, what are you doing? Are you doing friggin' mantras? Are you doing freaking like gratitude lists? Like, what are you doing? I think the thing I'm doing right now is really, really, really, really, really, really trying to change how I speak to myself internally. And I have found it is helping, but god damn, it is it is an everyday struggle. Like you really gotta make space for it to do it every day. Like you really do. But it does make a huge difference. It does make a huge difference. Um my dogs just came up here. Hi guys! All right, I tried to record an hour. I have to be honest with you, I don't even know when I started recording. So I might have to end it here and see where at. Um, I got some earrings delivered from Amazon. I know the devil. But like I got these studs that like have these backs. I don't know what you call them, but they're essentially like permanent. Like you sort of spin on the backs and they never come off. And so I never take I have second holes, so I never take them out. I clean them. Please don't think I'm disgusting. I do clean them and I spin them a lot to make sure they're not like. You know, getting stuck in there, but I I wanted some for my first holes too, just like little hoops that I can kind of like sleep and shower and like be done with, so I can kind of be more put together because executing functioning right now has been near impossible. Um, so anything I can do to help myself look presentable in the world, girl, I need it right now. But um, I have some job prospects that have reached out, so I don't know how those are gonna pan out, but I have that's you know, unfortunately making me feel better. Like, why does work have to make us feel better? It's such so gross. My dog is going through the trash. I don't know what she just got. She's eating something, so I need to deal with this. Anyways, now I'm sort of into it. Like I I've stopped talking about myself. Well, I'm still talking about myself, but don't don't eat the trash. I don't know what she's eating in the trash. She's just being naughty because I'm not paying attention to her. Girl, isn't that how we all feel? Like, just see me, just hear me, just love me. All right. But um, I think that's it, y'all. I think I think I think we've done it. I think we did the thing today, you know? Like, I don't know how we feel about it. I don't know if we're gonna love it. I don't know. Um I I'm gonna have to listen to it back to edit it, which I kind of which I'm already kind of like regretting. Like um, but yeah. All right. That's all there is. There isn't any more.